yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
