i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
