Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
