Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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