i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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