Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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