Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
