this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
