I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I would ride that face into the sunset
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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