dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
