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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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