walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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