TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
