im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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