Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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