i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
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