I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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