I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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