He asked to "fluff my boner.."
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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