so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
