Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
