Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
