oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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