So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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