Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
