And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
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