So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
