omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
