I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
