remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
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You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
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our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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