Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
