i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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