I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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