I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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