At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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