I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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