Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
