we have pet lesbian snakes
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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