Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
