marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
