I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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