i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
