help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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