Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
