I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
