Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
