i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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