i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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