oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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