I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
