If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize