May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
So vagazzling was a success
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
