I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
