I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
