I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
barbara walters just said penis...
I looked at my own cervix.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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