Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
