Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I still have a little drunk in my system
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
