I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
