So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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