There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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