I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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