My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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